Jennifer Soos is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
based out of San Antonio, Texas, and a childhood friend of Monica.
You can find her at www.JenniferSoos.com
Do you have a question for Jennifer? E-mail it to monicabrantnewsletter@gmail.com.
A new question is answered every month!
QUESTION:
I started doing bootcamp class in January and I really enjoy them. Years ago I trained too hard and hurt my knee and had other health problems because of it and it took me almost a full year to recover. Now that I'm back, I'm very cautious and aware of what I can and can't do. The trainer is very intense yelling and pushing everyone hard and when I told him about my situation he's been respectful of letting me ease up when I feel I need to. But the classes are big and always changing depending on what time I go so it's not an option for me to talk to each person and there have been a few people in the class who have said things to me like I need to push through the pain. I tell myself that they are saying it from a good place but I still feel embarrassed. How can I get them to leave me alone? Sincerely, Embarrassed in Bootcamp
ANSWER:
Dear Embarrassed,
My very first thought is that you should have some tshirts printed that say “Try Minding Your Own Business” and just wear those to bootcamp classes!! I was also curious as to whether or not your knee is taped or wrapped or in a brace of some kind which might help signify to people that you have a reason to be protective of that injury? But regardless of those outward things, let’s talk about the “inside job” that might need a little work... You sound like you have great instincts about knowing your limits and taking care of yourself so that’s a good place to start. And good for you for your determination to come back from a serious injury and keep working so hard! I hope you feel proud of that accomplishment.
Your question “How can I get them to leave me alone?” is important for a couple of reasons: First, that question really zeros in on a hard truth: we don’t get to have control over other people. We can’t really do much to change other people’s behaviors or thoughts or opinions or words. We can tell our truth, we can make requests, we can speak up for ourselves BUT ultimately, people are going to do and think what people are going to do and think. (And, as a recovering control freak myself, I know how hard this reality is to make peace with and surrender to.)
Second, your question really leads to another question: Why is it important to you what they think? Based on your description, it sounds like these people are virtually strangers and do not hold any position of influence in your life. This might be different if they were family or close friends then we would talk about how to be open to their differing opinions and how to take in feedback in a healthy way. But these are not those people. And unless you want to be in a relationship with them an actual, functional relationship then, honestly, whatever story they make up about you is none of your business. What a person thinks about you, someone they don’t actually know, tells us a lot about THEM, but it tells us nothing about YOU. (And, if we’re being really honest here, I certainly don’t want to make any space in my life for someone who is quick to make an assumption and offer unsolicited advice to someone they don’t know those are NOT my people.)
Lastly, sometimes the things people say to us only bother us because we have a little voice in our head that is saying the very same thing and the nosy, judgey people are simply tapping into one of our own fears or insecurities. We will definitely have a reaction to an irrelevant person’s opinion if it mirrors one of our own. That’s a good indicator that we need to get really honest with ourselves and tell ourselves the truth about whatever is going on. It doesn’t sound to me like this last idea applies to you because you are so confident in the work you have done, but perhaps for other people who struggle with this... Get really clear with yourself about what tiny, little truth might lie in what someone else says that fires you up and, if it does apply to you, then own it and set out to fix it. But, if you can’t see any truth in their assessment of things, discard and move on. Your trainer knows the story and, besides you, that’s the only other person who matters.
So, the next time someone ignores your brand new tshirt ;) and tries to tell you what to do with your own body, just smile and say, “While I appreciate that you are probably trying to be supportive, I’ve worked really hard to recover from a serious injury and I’m going to listen to what my body can handle.” And then congratulate yourself for NOT spending your time or energy on someone who throws around unnecessary advice before offering compassion or asking questions.
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