Q&A with Jennifer Soos: Frustrated with Friends

Jennifer Soos is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist 

based out of San Antonio, Texas, and a childhood friend of Monica. 

You can find her at www.JenniferSoos.com ​ ​ 

Do you have a question for Jennifer? E-mail it to monicabrantnewsletter@gmail.com.

A new question is answered every month! 

QUESTION: ​

Hi Jennifer and Monica,

I'm trying to make some changes to get healthy and I'm feeling really isolated. I can actually handle doing this on my own, but my biggest challenge is the negativity I encounter with my closest girlfriends. There are 5 of us and out of the 5, I'm the only one who is not overweight. Because of this, I feel left out and unsupported by them. They don't think I need to diet and exercise because I'm not "fat" but I'm doing it for my health, not to lose weight necessarily. I've tried talking to them individually to explain that it's hurtful and they apologize and agree to ease up but as soon as we get into a group I get picked on. I always welcome them to join me but they are not interested. I've been friends with them for most of my life and love them very much but I'm at a loss at how to handle this.

Thank you,
Frustrated with Friends

ANSWER:

Dear Frustrated with Friends,

Thanks for such a great question about a very, very common problem. First and foremost, good for you for trying to be conscientious about your health and well­being. After all, it is YOUR journey and YOUR body and YOUR life ­ no one else has to walk in your shoes so taking responsibility for that is a very mature and healthy choice!

Let’s talk about negativity. It is safe to say that most negativity comes from those places in us that are full of fear, insecurity, hurt and/or shame ­ those dark places that feel really vulnerable. We use negativity and anger to avoid those feelings, to cover them, to deny that they exist. I would bet that your friends lash out at you because your healthy behavior is threatening to open up those places that they don’t want to look at in themselves. Maybe they are fearful of having to truly examine their own habits and how healthy/unhealthy they might be and they aren’t ready or willing to do that. Perhaps deep down they already feel shame about their choices or their weight and being confronted with your changes brings that shame to the surface. Picking on you helps them cover it up again. I’m sure that if each of them was to be honest about why that hurtful group dynamic occurs when you are all together, they would each have their own unique story to tell. But the punchline here is this: Try your hardest not to take it personally. Their behavior is very much about THEM and has little or nothing to do with you. (That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it... it just means that it isn’t really about you.)

So, since you aren’t responsible for their apparent emotional hangups and you can’t fix those for them anyway, here are some suggestions for what to do in the meantime:

- Keep doing you​. Your instincts are great and you will never regret taking good care of yourself.
- Find some people who ARE supportive​. Someone who takes the same classes at your gym or a co­worker who walks at lunch or anyone you see in your life who is already making the kinds of choices you are making. Create some other areas in your life where you feel supported to help balance out this area of deficit.
- Don’t advertise your healthy choices​. Let your actions speak for themselves and don’t talk/invite/persuade them to join you in your journey. Some people interpret different choices as unspoken judgment of their own choices... so best to just keep it to yourself when you know you are around people who aren’t on board with your lifestyle.
- Spruce up your boundaries a little​. You’ve already done a very smart thing by having individual conversations with them...now take that one step further by expecting them to respect your request. The next time you are all together and they start picking on you, smile your prettiest smile and leave. No drama. No lectures. Just go. Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people, boundaries simply tell other people what they can expect from us. They will quickly learn that if they start shoving their negativity at you, they can expect you to leave. What they choose to do about that new reality will tell you how important your friendship really is to them.

Great friendships between people who are emotionally mature will seek to support and celebrate each other, especially the successes. If they can’t figure out how to do that for you, at some point you may decide to re­evaluate how valuable these friends really are.

Keep up the great changes!


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